How long?


The Japanese master Hokusai was one day found weeping at his workbench because he believed he had not yet learned enough about drawing. He was 80. On his deathbed, eight years later, he cried out, “If heaven would only grant me 10 more years, I might still become a great artist.” We may consider Hokusai a genius from childhood but he thought nothing he produced before the age of 70 was any good. How long does it take to become an artist?


"We need people who let us know that it's ok to feel what we feel. We need people who want to hear it and understand it. We need to trust that people aren't going anywhere when things aren't perfect. We need this security whitin relationships to feel safe. Otherwise, we are constantly fearful that honoring ourselves and our voice means loss of love."

-Vienna Pharaon


Today facebook was kind enough to remind me that exactly two years ago today I took and posted this picture (a pretty crappy one at that although I’ve never taken a picture I actually like) and it sort of made me think: What does it take for me to truly learn a lesson? I “escaped” to this place a few years ago attempting to get away from a reality I knew I was never gonna be able to outrun, trying to punish myself for sins I wasn’t guilty of, fully knowing that in life, your problems and shortcomings will follow you anywhere you go as long as you refuse to address them, but needless to say a few mistakes were made, I overstayed, I fell for something that never existed, exposed myself foolishly and list could go on, and while I’m thankful for all of it and every lesson I learned to day I wonder.... was it all need it? Is that what it takes? Do I really need to move backwards sometimes before I can move forward? 

 “My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor and some style”

Maya Angelou 



I’ve been struggling with technology lately, see I taught my self how to code by the time I was like fourteen, by the time I was sixteen I could hack just about anything I ever set my mind to it, I could build Kernels from scratch and write complicated ROM’s or do just about anything I ever want it to do and yet today I struggle, I struggle trying to delete a simple calendar reminder I get every year, a reminder that she is no longer with us, that she’s never coming back, that I won’t ever see her again, don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful of every second I ever spent with her, and I do understand that “death ends a life, not a relationship” but I still miss her, a lot, sometimes maybe even more than I should, I simply can’t just get myself to delete it, why? It was never easy for me around the holidays, my family basically crumbled apart on Christmas, I still remember my dad asking me to chose between mom and him on Christmas’s Morning, I bounced around too many holidays between private schools and relatives always feeling out of place, always feeling uninvited, always trying to convince myself that it was “just another day” but losing her was far worst than any of that, perhaps that’s why I haven’t had the courage to delete it, perhaps I still need her sometimes, perhaps I’m still learning from her after all this time.


What if?

No, I didn’t kill him, quite frankly I never understood hunting as a sport, unless you actually need to eat your prey it always seemed like an unnecessary act of violence, a futile exercise of power over the powerless, a dumb excuse for buying guns no one really needs, the one and only thing I learned on the navy was only god should be allowed to dictate what gets to live and what deserves to die, so why am I here? Why am I pointing a Bow & Arrow to things I have no intention of hurting? Tracking things that can’t hunt me back? I’m not even sure but that’s just the irony of my life lately, having to pretend to be something that I’m really not, being forced to live among a society I no longer feel a part of, not even sure I actually ever felt part of it to be honest, I keep on trying to convince myself that is the right thing to do under the circumstances but it’s getting harder and harder everyday, I know we all have that feeling of “I might not belong here” or “I’m not really sure where I fit in here” sometimes and don’t get me wrong it’s perfectly normal but some of us it’s sort of a reality, it is true though that home it’s wherever you are happy but what if you are still looking for that place and you can’t find it? What if you are sort of happy everywhere you go? You if just don’t know if you really wanna stay there forever? What if you are just a nomad?